Winter's Edge

I look down into my baby’s eyes for the first time and feel a surge of love so strong it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. She’s perfect, everything we could have dreamed of and more. The nurses show me how to feed her, and it takes a while, but she finally latches on. Once She’s full and sleepy I ask how long until we can leave.

The nurse stammers before collecting herself. “Well, usually new mothers stay here for at least a day or two while they’re recovering. We don’t really recommend heading home this soon.”

“I know, but I have something I really need to do with her.”

“Is there anyone we can call? I can’t let you leave here on your own.”

“No, there’s no one to call. I’ll be fine though; I know how to take care of myself and I can handle taking care of her as well.”

“As much as I’m sure you’re a capable woman and will be a good mother to little Dillon here, hospital policy says I can’t release you yet without someone to at least drive you home.”

“I can just catch the bus.” 

She shakes her head. 

“Or I can take a taxi if that would make you feel better.”

“I’m sorry Senna, but I can’t discharge you on your own. If you can just wait until you’ve healed a little more it shouldn’t be a problem, but without someone to care for you in the state you’re in right now, the hospital is liable.”

“Fine, ok. There might be someone you can call.” 

I hold my hand out and she passes me her notepad and pen. I write down a name and number and turn my attention back to baby Dillon. The nurse leaves to make the call and returns shortly after to tell me that Matilda will be here in about an hour, so I put Dillon in the crib and get ready to go.

I’m sitting back on the bed when there’s a knock at the door.

“Come in.” 

It’s her.

“Hi honey, how are you doing?”

“Hi Matilda.”

She looks hurt. “When are you going to start calling me mum again?”

“I don’t know, maybe when you feel like my mum.”

She goes over to the cot where Dillon is sleeping and places a hand on her back. “She’s beautiful.”

“I know.” I get up and go over to the cot, stepping between Matilda and Dillon. I pick her up and put her in the baby carrier I brought with me to the hospital. “I just need you here for them to discharge me and then you can go.”

“I didn’t come all this way just to let you leave on a bus. Let me at least drive you home.”

“No, I think I’d rather just take the bus.”

“Either you let me drive you, or I’m going to tell them you’re still planning on catching the bus and they won’t let you leave.”

I sigh heavily. “Fine, but I don’t want to talk to you, and I don’t want you to hold her.”

“Whatever you say Sen, just as long as I can drive you.”

We go out to Matilda’s car, and I hop in the back with Dillon. There’s already a baby seat in the car and I look at Matilda.

“When the hospital called and said you needed a ride, I went straight out and got one. They even helped me fit it, so it’s safe.”

I buckle Dillon in. 

We sit in silence for a while until I tell Matilda to make a turn. 

“But your house is the other way.”

“I know where my house is, just take the damn turn.”

“Ok.”

Dillon starts fussing and I try to soothe her.

“You know, you used to be just like that. Normal babies usually love the car and fall asleep as soon as you start driving. But not the two of you.”

“So she’s not normal then.”

“Oh you know what I mean. I just wanted to say she reminds me of you, and I’m just excited for you to get to experience all the things with her that I got to experience with you.”

“I just wish Dean could’ve been here for it as well.”

“I know, baby.” 

We sit in silence for a while, neither of us knowing what to say. 

“You know I didn’t know you were pregnant when I said those things about Dean.”

“You know that’s not an excuse, right? Even if I wasn’t pregnant, it wasn’t ok to say that. Like not even remotely ok.”

“I know, ok. Do you want me to tell you that I feel like a monster for it and I regret it every day? I cry all the time about how I pushed you away and I just wish I hadn’t hurt you like that. I wish I could take it back.”

“Well you can’t.”

“I know. I’m sorry and I know it was a shit thing to say, which is why I’m trying to make an effort to fix what I’ve done and prove to you that I love you.”

“I know you love me, but that doesn’t change the fact that the way you love me is toxic. Even if I forgive you, I don’t know if I want you to be in mine and Dillon’s lives.”

Matilda tries to hide the fact that she’s crying, but the sniffles and hard breathing give her away. 

“Do you blame me for his death?”

“What? It was a car accident, and you weren’t even there. Why would I blame you for that?”

“Well, I don’t know, I just wanted to make sure.” She sighs. “You just hate me so much and I don’t know if it’s just because of what I said or if it’s because of the call I made to him before he crashed.”

“I Think you’re a bitch and you deserve to feel guilty for everything you said, but I don’t blame you for the crash. The weather was shit and he hit some ice on the road; it’s as simple as that. No one to blame.”

I tell her to take another turn and she realises where we’re going. 

“You know you don’t have to do this today; you can take some time to rest.”

“I don’t need to rest, and as much as you don’t like it, Dillon’s his baby too.”

“I know she’s his too, but I just don’t want you to get all worked up when you’re so fragile right now.”

“You didn’t seem to be too worried about that when you told me I was better off without him on the day I found out he died.”

She doesn’t know what to say, and so decides to keep her mouth shut for the rest of the drive. Finally, we sit in complete silence; even Dillon seems to sense it’s not time to make fuss. 

Matilda pulls off the road and puts the car in park. We sit for a moment. I hesitate.

“I can keep an eye on her while you go.”

“No, I’m taking her with me.”

“Are you sure? It’s so cold outside and neither of you have much on.”

“Matilda, stop it. She’s our baby and they’re going to meet each other today if it kills me.”

Matilda sighs but keeps her comments to herself. I hop out of the car and grab Dillon. The tree is a black silhouette against the blue sky. I walk up to it and touch the scars on its trunk. I brush my fingers against the white cross with Dean’s photo on it. “She’s everything we dreamed of baby. Everything.”